Today I had one of those rare moments of clarity when I absolutely realized I was being an irrational weirdo and had to stop before I took it too far.
The setting: I sprained my ankle a few weeks ago and naturally I procrastinated until today to go see a Doctor about it. I figured if I left it any longer they’d be telling me it’s time to amputate my foot and then I’d have to become a Miss Havisham-esque recluse only I’d be living with my parents because I can’t afford to live on my own… See how easy it is for me to get completely carried away?
So I made an appointment with my usual Podiatrist (you can only imagine how often I am inuring myself if I have a ‘usual’ one) but when I turned up this morning he had been replaced with a much younger, significantly more attractive one. I instantly regretted everything about my make up (lack of), my hair and what I was wearing.
While Dr Handsome-Face was examining my ankle my thoughts ran wild. I am in a glass case of emotion.
They ranged from:
“He is pretty good looking isn’t he? No scratch that, he is VERY good looking.”
“Man I wish I’d gotten a pedicure, my toes look feral…”
“I wonder if he’s single…? Pfft like it matters, look at your toes! He would never love you with chipped nail polish like that!”
“I wonder how I could drag this consultation out a little longer… Maybe I should fall over? (Elegantly of course. Cos that is completely rational and possible) Spraining my ankle wasn’t so bad right? Wait, what? Mental slap in the face! You are not purposely injuring yourself you weirdo!”
This was definitely one of those “You Know You’re a Sociopath When…” moments but let’s not dwell on it ok? Complete soce behaviour and I am ashamed of myself.
Luckily for me I didn’t have to resort to personal injury as Dr Handsome-Face said that I need to come back for an X-Ray and a follow up consultation. Hurrah! So maybe I shouldn’t be so excited about the prospect of a serious injury to my ankle but I’m finding a Silver Lining in amongst this entire fiasco ok? Excelsior! That film taught me so much. (Like Bradley Cooper is an Adonis among men but I digress)
Bonus thought: He totally took his time while strapping and bandaging my ankle which some might think is him just taking pride in his work but I’m pretty sure it’s actually because he realised he wants me to be his wife.