Rants

Monday Morning Near Death Experiences (because Mondays didn’t suck enough)

I step onto the train carriage and my senses are momentarily stunned.
When I finally come to and realise what’s happening I am painfully aware of the assault on my nostrils. This carriage is literally one giant BO cloud, like the aftermath of a BO bomb, covered unsuccessfully, by cheap cologne. How is it even possible to have BO at 8am in the morning? Was strenuous physical activity experienced between waking up and getting to the train station? My brain is trying to rationalise and come up with an explanation for why such a horrible thing would be inflicted upon us all.
Every breath is just filled with more body odour and the oxygen supply is slowly dwindling. I start to irrationally hate everyone on the train carriage for using up my precious oxygen! I sit there in abject silence and throw reproachful glances at everyone.
The lack of fresh air is clearly having its toll on my mental capacity.

Attempting to reach some sort of equanimity, I start reassuring myself that I can make it to the end of the line, it’s only 45 more minutes right? Ok, no I definitely won’t make it that long. This assiduous stench is just far too overwhelming.
A plethora of thoughts start swirling around my brain like a tornado:

Maybe I should text my ex and say goodbye? No! Do not text your ex! Momentary lapse of judgement. Even imminent death does not warrant that kind of stupidity.
Perhaps writing my Last Will and Testament would be prudent?
At this stage I am what might colloquially be referred to as “broke” but I still have some possessions of value to my name.
I’ll leave my car and the contents of my wardrobe to my sister, my laptop, leather jacketΒ and my Kate Spade handbag to my best friend and my flat screen TV and whatever is in my bank account to my little brother. Oh and my external hard drive with my extensive film collection to my parents. Now they never have to worry about borrowing it from me to watch Robert DeNiro movies.

The ubiquitous stench seems to only be getting stronger as if feeding off my anger and self pity for realising my final minutes on this earth will be spent angrily wondering why I didn’t order that chocolate donut with my morning coffee!
I try to compose myself and think happy calming thoughts. I don’t want my last thought to be an angry one.
Love, peace and Ryan Gosling I chant internally, shutting my eyes and taking small shallow breaths to preserve oxygen. Despite my earlier hatred of all the train patrons I realise we are all in this together so we should be helping each other.
And just like that, with thoughts of donuts and Ryan Gosling in my head I feel a breath of fresh air.
Am I hallucinating? Have I died already?
I open my eyes and realise we are at the end of the line – my stop!
I must have willed myself to live by the sheer power of hopes and unicorns or something.

As I take my first steps into the morning sunshine a feeling of exuberance washes over me. I haven’t been this happy since that time I found a coffee card in my bag with a free coffee waiting to be claimed! I conclude that today is going to be a good day, nay a wonderful day!

And then a pigeon poops on me.
Yep, back to categorically hating everything and everyone.

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