It’s always been a skill of mine to be able to be somewhere physically but have my mind be absolutely anywhere else but there. Ok so maybe this isn’t exactly a skill per se… I’d say it’s more of a quirk. Actually I’m pretty sure it’s why I am extremely proficient at procrastination. I have perfected the internal monologue and daydreaming technique a la JD in Scrubs. (“All you have to do is tilt your head to the left, close your eyes, and let your mind soar like an eeeeeagle.”
Usually it’s just a way to while away a few hours while being in an office all the live long day but escapism is very useful and in fact, necessary for survival. As well as that, it is the main fuel for my creativity. So many of my best ideas come when I am in the middle of an average work day, completing some mundane task and then, like a sudden craving for chocolate, imagination strikes! Granted a lot of the time it just strikes in the form of “things that I wish I were doing right now instead of this” but it’s still a valid form of escapism. And so this list was born!
Without further ado, here is my list of fantasy job titles that I wish existed:
Television Series Curator (specifically for Friends, Scrubs or Gilmore Girls) – I spend most of my days quoting, re-enacting or referencing these shows and have watched them so many times that I now have a comprehensive and all-encompassing knowledge of them. If remembering obscure quotes or guest stars on these shows was a job then I would be employee of the month, every month.
Off-Screen Kiss Tester – Chris Evans, Ryan Gosling, Ben Affleck or James Franco are filming a movie and they need to practice the kissing scenes before the actresses arrive on set? I’ll take one for the team. We will stay here all night if we have to! Chapped lips and stubble rash be damned! I am nothing if not a consummate professional.
Buzzfeed Research Analyst – Buzzfeed has literally saved my life. Ok maybe I’m being a little theatrical but what did office workers do before Buzzfeed? Actual work? *Shudder* I think Buzzfeed plays such an important role in everyday life that I would be willing to dedicate my time to the research and development of it. Quizzes to be completed – I’m you’re your girl!
Which Grilled Cheese Sandwich Are You? Who is your Ideal Disney Prince? How Single Are You? (“Single As Shit” apparently. See, I never would have known this without Buzzfeed!)
Freelance Celebrity Liaison – Basically this entails me just hanging out with the actors on set between takes, keeping everyone amused and happy. It would work really well in conjunction with my aforementioned Kiss Tester gig. Between Kiss Testing I would be able to just hang around any film and television sets where my Celebrity Liaison services are required and regale the actors with hilarious anecdotes. My awkwardness teamed with my innate desire to please people would be a winning combination at keeping the talent entertained.
If anybody knows of someone hiring in any of these positions please let me know because I would like to submit my resume.